Easy Solutions #2

So, you want to kiss your sexy neighbour, but you’ve never even said hello.

What you will need: 1 x computer with photoshop, 1 x printer, 1 x A4 envelope, 1 x black pen, 1 x red pen, 1 x stamp, 1 x pot of extra strength glue, 1 x photo of yourself with a lady.

Step One: Use your computer to photoshop Angelina Jolie’s head onto the lady’s body in your photograph. If you are unable to do this, seek the assistance of a ten year old child.

Step Two: Print out the photo, place it in a frame and hang it in your hallway.

Step Three: Use your computer to write a script for a short Hollywood film. Put all of your effort into it, because although it will probably never get made, you might discover that you have a hidden talent.

Step Four: Print out two copies of the script and place them in the envelope. Write your name and address on the envelope using the black pen. Then, using the red pen, write the words “Confidential” and “Urgent” in bold capital letters. Exclamation marks are optional.

Step Five: Lick the stamp and stick it on the top right hand corner of the envelope.

Step Six: On Saturday morning stand outside your neighbour’s house until the postman arrives. As soon as he posts your neighbour’s letters run up to her door and post your envelope.

Step Seven: Return home and glue your letterbox shut.

Step Eight: Pretty soon your neighbour will discover your envelope and she will immediately bring it to the correct address, because of the bold red writing. She will be unable to simply post it through your letterbox, because you have glued it shut. When she knocks your door, answer it.

Step Nine: When she hands you the envelope say the words “Oh, thank God. I was worried I wasn’t going to get this in time before Monday.” The “Confidential” written on the envelope will have made her curious, so she may ask what the envelope contains.

Step Ten:Even if she doesn’t, casually announce that it’s just the script for a new film you’re starring in with Angelina Jolie. While your neighbour is being impressed mention that you’ve just opened a bottle of wine. Ask her if she would like a glass. You won’t need to have a bottle ready. She will automatically decline, because it’s Saturday morning, but it will make you appear artistic, because only creative types drink wine in the morning.

Step Eleven: There’s a 50/50 chance that she will now ask if you know Angelina Jolie. Even if she doesn’t ask this question it is important that you now point her towards the photograph hanging in your hallway, thus causing her to enter your house.

Step Twelve: Whilst she is looking at the photo, open the envelope and say the words “Why have they sent me two?”

Step Thirteen: After she is done admiring the photograph say the words “Hey, you wouldn’t mind running through a few scenes with me, would you?” She will be reluctant to decline, because she’s already declined your offer of wine and won’t want to seem rude, especially to a man who she now believes to be an associate of a top movie star.

Step Fourteen: Take her into the living room and tell her that you aren’t in many of the early scenes, so you should start with the final act.

Step Fifteen: After she’s read a few lines, compliment her by saying “You’re very good. Have you done any acting before?” This will put her at ease.

Step Sixteen: Now, if you’ve written your script correctly, you will have included a climax where you and Angelina Jolie’s character kiss. It’s Hollywood writing 101. Upon reading the direction notes of this scene your neighbour will instinctively be reluctant to kiss a man she’s only just met on a Saturday morning.

Step Seventeen: However, before she says the words “We don’t have to kiss, do we?” she will start to think about Angelina Jolie and her lips. All women have the exact same strong feelings about Angelina Jolie, and no matter what they say, it is thinly veiled jealousy. Your neighbour will start to wonder about you kissing Angelina Jolie on Monday. At first she will realise that this is her one opportunity to beat Angelina Jolie by being a better kisser. Then she will imagine the kiss chain from her, to you, to Angelina Jolie, to Brad Pitt. This will seal the deal in her mind.

Step Eighteen: When your neighbour moves her mouth close to your’s, begin to kiss her. Mission accomplished.

Step Nineteen (Optional): If you want to take a risk, you can make your script about a man who kisses his neighbour by doing this exact thing. Your neighbour might appreciate the Charlie Kauffman quality to it. It’s a good way to come clean and rid yourself of the guilt. If she admires your efforts you might enter into a love affair. Sadly this step will only work 60% of the time.

Notes: Women can use this tutorial by simply replacing the photo of Angelina Jolie with Johnny Depp.

Don’t forget to catch our previous post in our Tips For Romance: Top Tips For Romance Part One – How To Tell If A Girl Likes You, Top Tips For Romance Part Two – How To Get A Girl To Like You, Top Tips For Romance Part Three – How To Ask A Girl Out On A Date.

Here’s funny little film called Kung Fu Flowers with a Valentine theme, don’t forget those flowers now!

This can be quite a daunting task. There’s always the chance that she will say no and everyone in the world will laugh at you. Forever. Here are a few handy tips for getting that elusive ‘YES!’

Option 1: Ask Your Friend To Do It For You

This is without a doubt the best option. Not only will it make you look powerful like you have people who do your bidding, but it will also subliminally remind her about being in school. Everyone has fond memories of school. They were simpler times, free from soaring mortgage payments, the ever increasing awareness of your own mortality and Russell Howard’s Good News.

General Rule #1: Do Not Make Eye Contact

Nobody likes eye contact. The eyes are the windows to the soul. Therefore the fringe is the curtain to the soul. There’s a reason why so many women have bangs these days. With demons like Derren Brown and Dynamo walking the streets of the Earth, many people have become fearful of eye contact; because they believe that their thoughts can be both interpreted and influenced. Look at the floor. It will make you seem both considerate and lacking in confidence, which has been known to be a great turn on.

Option 2: Create The Illusion That The Date Is With Someone Else

Technology is wonderful for deceiving ladies. Using a fake email account or a pay-as-you-go cell phone, begin a text based conversation with the woman of your dreams under the pretence that you are someone that you know that she would go on a date with. Once the date is confirmed, go to the place where the date is set to take place. Be ten minutes early and order a bottle of moderately priced wine. Have the waiter open the bottle. When she arrives and sees that you are not the person she was expecting she will be very angry and want to leave. Explain that she can’t leave, because you’ve already ordered the wine and won’t be able to send it back. If she has any empathy for human beings during these tough economic times, she will agree to stay and not let wine go to waste. Use the following moments to apologise for deceiving her (possibly blame it on someone else). If she accepts your apology the date will most likely go ahead.

General Rule #2: Do Offer Money

It’s very offensive to straight out offer a woman money to go on a date with you, but if you were to approach the situation with “If you go out with me I will give £1000 to charity”, then it would be impossible for you to look like a bad person. In fact, she would have to say yes for fear of being a bad person herself. It’s disgusting manipulation of the best kind.

If you’ve missed our previous two entries of our blog you can them here with part 1 How To Tell If A Girl Likes You and part 2 How To Get A Girl To Like You

Here is a great little Valentine gift for you, a Valentine video called…The Gift.

Our second little treat for you today is a look around the Dutch Flower Auction.

We hope you enjoyed the videos, you can find more of them here.

There are many well documented ways to make a girl like you. Unfortunately they are mostly wrong. A fast car, a nice house and fashionable clothes doesn’t project ‘cool guy’, it reeks of ‘organised crime’.

Rule #1: Do Not Be Yourself

Under no circumstances must you be yourself. There’s a reason why you’re single and using the advice of an online flower delivery company to find a mate. Be someone else, but don’t make the mistake of being someone obvious like James Bond or George Clooney. In reality women would be put off by James Bond’s disregard for human life or George Clooney’s busy work schedule.

Nothing says potential boyfriend like ‘former boyfriend’. People are always getting back together with old flames. Find him, follow him, and become him. By mimicking the personality and look of her ex lover you will be tapping into tools which have already proven to work on this specific lady in the past.

Rule #2: Become Best Friends With Her Mother

Nobody has a bigger influence on a woman’s relationship than her mother. Become close to the mother and she’ll be sure to put in a good word for you. It’s easy to befriend a mother by simply turning up at her house unannounced with a bottle of Martini, Casablanca on DVD and a Backgammon board. When she answers the door you must repeat these words exactly: “Hello. I’m a friend of your daughter. I’ve come to be your friend too.” Everyone likes having friends and it will reassure her that you have not come to murder her.

Rule #3: Be Mysterious

All women like mystery. It’s thrilling.

• Change your name often. (Occasionally claim to have no name)
• Lurk in the shadows.
• Give false information.
• Pretend to be confused.

Rule #4: Be Dying

Fake an illness. Sympathy is a powerful motivator of emotions. Even if a woman doesn’t love a man, she might be forced into loving him just in case she believes that one day she could have loved him, but now she might never get that chance. Alternatively, claim to be immortal. This would make you appear quite unique and a good long term investment.

If you missed the beginning of this series of romantic tips, click to read part one of the blog How To Tell If A Girl Likes You.

Tommorow we’ll have a write up on ‘How To Ask A Girl On A Date‘.