Daily Archives: March 12, 2012

The Different Types Of Mothers

For many years a mother could fall into one of two categories: 1) A tall mother 2) A short mother. Plans to introduce a third “medium height mother” category in the late 1960s were unsuccessful.

Nowadays, mothers have become increasingly complex and can be divided into a number of classifications.

THE SOCCER MOM

Originating from North America, the soccer mom exists solely to further the cause of the MLS. They struggle to understand the appeal of the more established American sports such as baseball, basketball and football. They have a natural dislike to children, but sacrifice their lives to raising them in the hope of giving birth to the next Pele.

How to spot a soccer mom: The soccer mom can nearly always be found holding a football with a face painted onto it. It was this trait which inspired the character of Wilson in the hit film ‘Castaway’.

Suggested Mother’s Day Gift: Some nice flowers.

THE HEADMISTRESS

Cold, distant, an Orwellian monster. These are just a few of the headmistress’s attributes. She loves her children more than anything, but has no way to express her emotions. She keeps her distance in order to avoid rejection. It is not uncommon for the Headmistress to have a secret room filled with dolls where she can go to stroke their hair and sing nursery rhymes until the early hours of the morning.

How to spot a Headmistress: She will be wearing a t-shirt with the word “Discipline” on it.

Suggested Mother’s Day Gift: A hug. Or some nice flowers.

THE PIE BAKER

The Pie Baker never wanted to be a mother. Every day is a waking nightmare. She looks at her children and her heart feels so empty that it aches. She has but one dream – to become a grandmother. Her own children are simply a means to an end. She spends the first 30 years of motherhood perfecting the art of baking. Once her first grandchild has declared her baked goods to be “delicious”, the Pie Baker’s existence finally becomes validated and she is finally able to open her heart to her own children.

How to spot a Pie Baker: Flour under the fingernails, the scent of vanilla extract on her neck and a hollowed out tooth filled with marzipan.

Suggested Mother’s Day Gift: A grandchild. Or some nice flowers.

STACY’S MOM

Very little is known about Stacy’s mom, only that she has got it going on.

How to spot a Stacy’s Mom: Looks a lot like Rachel Hunter.

Suggested Mother’s Day Gift: Some nice flowers.

THE STEP

These days it is very common for a father to re-marry in the event of his wife’s death or theft. There are seventeen sub-categories of step-mother, but these are perhaps the most common:

a) The Evil

The Evil Step-mother is quite evil. She can often be found mimicking the voices of her step children and making strange faces behind them in photographs. She cannot be trusted.

How to spot the Evil Step-Mum: She will cast no shadow.

Suggested Mother’s Day Gift: Some nice flowers.

b) The Gold Digger

Often very young, the Gold Digger loves precious metals. It is common for men with access to large supplies precious metals to marry a Gold Digger in order to have someone to talk to about them. The Gold Digger is invariably very attractive and can be seen as more of a sexy sister than a mother.

How to spot the Gold Digger: Suspiciously large breasts, carries a metal detector, can often be seen whispering on the phone and frequently encourages her husband to take part in bungee jumps and sky dives.

Suggested Mother’s Day Gift: Gold.

c) The Great Step Mother

Of course, not all step mother’s are either a or b. Indeed, we’re only joking about all they types above and don’t mean to cause any offence! Apologies if we have inadvertently done so in any of the lighthearted classifications above!

Further Reading

Mothers – A Brief History