It is every child’s dream to be loved by their mother. It creates a sense of joy and wellbeing that cannot be recreated by paying for love with a Professional Mother Surrogate/Escort. It can be quite difficult for a child to gain love from its mother in the early stages, because of the intense pain caused by childbirth. A child will usually be born as a sort of enemy/nemesis to the mother and must use the first few years of life to trick the mother into believing that he or she poses no threat. As long as the child is willing to make its first word something resembling “mama” and doesn’t make the mistake of re-entering the womb and demanding a rebirth, then love should develop quite easily.
In addition to being loved, it is also desirable for a child to become “the favourite”. Being the favourite child has a number of advantages. These include:
- First dibs on kidneys.
- Heavily weighted inheritance.
- The ability to commit crimes against your family without fear of punishment.
- Potential #1 Son/Daughter mugs, t-shirts, mousemats and other such memorabilia.
HOW TO BECOME THE FAVOURITE
1) BE AN ONLY CHILD: If you are lucky enough to be a firstborn you can use your early years to put your mother off the idea of having any more children. This can be acheived by:
Complaining a lot. Phrases like “This food is very dry.” can grate on the maternal mind. Nobody likes to hear complaints. She will not want to risk giving birth to another complainer.
Demand a lot of material possessions. Physical things can be a great drain on monetary resources. It is unwise to have a second child without the correct financial planning. You might even consider demanding items which are large in size. If the house is filled with large items then there might not be enough physical room for another child. Tip: A room can be made to look smaller by removing mirrors.
Manipulating the reproductive system of the mother. With enough forward planning it is possible to rewire the inner workings of the mother whilst still in the womb. If you adjust a couple of tubes you can set the mother so that any of her future fertilised eggs will be sent straight to the stomach and become digested by the process known as ‘digestion’.
WARNING: Being an only child will automatically make you the favourite child, but there’s also the downside of technically being the least favourite child too. Also, too much attention might lead to a career in the hollow world of showbusiness.
2) FAIL AT LIFE: Evolution has programmed the mother to want be a mother for as long as possible. It is her innate desire to see her children fail in order to maximise the mothering period. Nothing pleases a mother more than hearing her 35 year old son utter the words “I’m getting a divorce, I’ve lost my job and I need to move back home.” Failing at life can easily be acheived by:
- Being forgetful of names, places and paying bills.
- Adopting a system of extensive tardiness.
- Reading newspapers.
- Spending a large proportion of your time on Twitter.
3) PLANT FALSE EVIDENCE: The biggest enemy of the non-favourite child is the favourite child. The favourite child can be defeated in a number of ways, the most effective being complete mental destruction. However, this method can take up to fifty years to complete. The quickest way is to simply deposit incriminating documents in the pockets of the favourite child which will later be discovered by the mother during laundry rituals.
- Parental emancipation forms filled out in the favourite child’s name.
- A list of the mother’s flaws.
- A death threat to the mother.
4) PLAY HARD TO GET: If you are fortunate to come from a broken home and have a father who has remarried, then the stepmother is a great tool for emotional manipulation of the biological mother. Playing hard to get typically only works on women, but a mother is a lot like a woman. By constantly praising your stepmother’s quality of character and spurning the advances of your mother’s home cooked meals, you will automatically become more desirable in the eyes of your mother.
5) BUY HER SOME NICE FLOWERS.