It is very difficult to be a good mother in the 21st century. Children have taken it upon themselves to become raised by the soft soothing hand of the Internet. In times of need they search Google for advice, when they want to learn about the birds and the bees they download countless gigabytes of the hardest pornography and when they need pocket money they send out countless fraudulent e-mails claiming to be descended from Nigerian royalty. It doesn’t help that TV is filled with inspiring mothers who are constantly making profound heartfelt speeches, when in reality nobody in the real world has ever made a speech.
However, there are a few methods you can use to ensure that you aren’t the worst mother out there.
1) BECOME GOOD AT SKATEBOARDING – The key to winning control of your children is respect. This can be done through extreme discipline and long term psychological manipulation, but it is much easier and quicker to simply learn how to skateboard. Children like skateboards, they respect skaters such as Tony Hawk and Marty McFly. By picking your children up from school on a skateboard, whilst wearing ill-fitting clothing and talking in moronic turns of phrases, you will appear the coolest mum in town.
2) DON’T GET INVOLVED WITH THE RAISING OF YOUR CHILDREN – You can easily avoid being a bad mother by not being a mother at all. You can’t lose if you don’t play the game. I am not suggesting adoption, but rather that you shift most of your parental responsibilities to the grandparents. Your own parents will have more experience at parenting. They’ll know what works and what doesn’t, and they’ll be familiar with parenting tricks such as skateboarding.
3) FAKE YOUR DEATH – The hardest part of any child’s life is losing their mother. The best part of any child’s life is when their mother comes back from the dead. Your child will not want to waste a miraculous second chance and will become more loving and respectful of you.
4) LOSE AT ARM WRESTLING – It is important for your child to grow up with high self esteem. Self esteem can be easily altered by tricking your children into believing that they are not as pathetic as they really are. To maximise self esteem you should be seen lifting a heavy object such as an olden day television set just before any arm wrestling takes place.
5) HAVE MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS – This one is only applicable to divorced mothers. By bringing home a different man every night you will be exposing your children to wide range of father figures, each one with his own unique ideas, worldview and cultural background. This will help your child to grow up to be well rounded.
6) KEEP YOUR ROMANTIC POETRY HIDDEN – No child likes to find a romantic poem written by their mother. Seeing their mother’s bare emotions can leave a child scarred for life. If you have to write a romantic poem you must ensure that it is kept in a secure and secret place, such as the underneath of a bed or the top of a cupboard.