Category Archives: Valentine’s Day

Top Tips For Romance: Part 5 – A Valentine's Day Adventure

People say that romance is dead, but it’s just evolving with the times. Candles have been replaced by LEDs, poetry has been replaced by gangster heavy txt spk and long walks on the beach have been replaced by a 100m sprint around a petrol station forecourt. It’s just how things go. Compliments have very nearly been replaced by the Facebook poke. Tell someone their hair looks nice before it’s too late.

One Valentine’s Day, in a bid to recapture the more traditional type of romance, I decided to take a lady for a daytime stroll along a cliff, (the third most romantic generic location behind a hilltop and a frozen lake respectively).

Knowing that hunger could very well be an issue in this isolated location, I prepared a picnic basket filled with the most romantic foods (Toblerones, Mint Aeros and Flakes). To increase the romance tenfold I decided to have the basket already planted there, which meant leaving it unguarded. This thought worried me. Although this was not a popular spot, I could not cope with the idea that some stranger might stumble upon my romance hamper. I did what I had to – I buried it. Precautious is my middle name and also quite a good description of my personality, so I buried it far deeper than I needed to. I also buried the shovel in a separate less deep hole, for fear that someone might find the shovel and decide to go on a random dig and unearth my love basket.

February 14th came and I found myself walking hand in hand with the potential love of my life. The Sun seemed to be burning brighter than ever before and a cool breeze kept the conditions perfect for a romantic stroll, because as you probably know, romance cannot develop at temperatures of more than 25 degrees.

Upon arriving at the cliff top a tiny lamb leapt into my arms and we both stroked it whilst laughing manically at the joy of such a thing. After the novelty of the lamb had passed I tossed it to one side and decided it was time to unveil the picnic basket.

“Look over there!” I yelled as I pointed at a bush. She turned away and I quickly got on my knees and began to dig with my bare hands. “Well, will you look at what I’ve found?” I said, proudly brandishing a shovel. “I bet there’s some treasure around here.”

I set to digging, as my potential wife gazed blissfully out at the sea. “Come see this view.” she said, her voice as soft the lamb I’d stroked a minute before.

“In a moment.” I replied “I think I’ve found something.”

Minutes passed, and I was still far from unearthing the picnic surprise. My date was losing patience. Half an hour had gone and the treasure was still far my grasp. I’d been too cautious with my burying. By this time I’d become quite manic. Her pleas for moving on or for conversation were met by screeches of “Leave me. Let me work. I’m onto something.”

The Sun began to set and the sky became a canvas of purple, violet and peach. “Come and enjoy this sunset with me. Please.” she begged, but I gave no reply. I was no longer a man; I had become a JCB born only to dig.

Night had officially checked in and the temperature was falling fast. It had already fallen below 7 degrees, which is the generally accepted minimum temperature for incubating romance. My offer of a jacket was met with silence. She’d gone. Not wanting the day to be a complete waste of time, I carried on digging.

If you’re expecting a funny twist, like I dug all the way to China or I’d been digging in the wrong place, you’ll be very disappointed. There is nothing funny about what I discovered after eight hours of digging – Someone had stolen my picnic basket. Maybe romance really is dead.

For our other posts in forTop Tips For Romance; Top Tips For Romance: Part One – How To Tell If A Girl Likes You, Top Tips For Romance: Part Two – How To Get A Girl To Like You, Top Tips For Romance: Part Three – How To Ask A Girl Out On A Date, Top Tips For Romance: Part Four – How To Kiss Your Sexy Neighbour

Top Tips For Romance: Part 4 – How To Kiss Your Sexy Neighbour

Easy Solutions #2

So, you want to kiss your sexy neighbour, but you’ve never even said hello.

What you will need: 1 x computer with photoshop, 1 x printer, 1 x A4 envelope, 1 x black pen, 1 x red pen, 1 x stamp, 1 x pot of extra strength glue, 1 x photo of yourself with a lady.

Step One: Use your computer to photoshop Angelina Jolie’s head onto the lady’s body in your photograph. If you are unable to do this, seek the assistance of a ten year old child.

Step Two: Print out the photo, place it in a frame and hang it in your hallway.

Step Three:
Use your computer to write a script for a short Hollywood film. Put all of your effort into it, because although it will probably never get made, you might discover that you have a hidden talent.

Step Four: Print out two copies of the script and place them in the envelope. Write your name and address on the envelope using the black pen. Then, using the red pen, write the words “Confidential” and “Urgent” in bold capital letters. Exclamation marks are optional.

Step Five: Lick the stamp and stick it on the top right hand corner of the envelope.

Step Six: On Saturday morning stand outside your neighbour’s house until the postman arrives. As soon as he posts your neighbour’s letters run up to her door and post your envelope.

Step Seven: Return home and glue your letterbox shut.

Step Eight: Pretty soon your neighbour will discover your envelope and she will immediately bring it to the correct address, because of the bold red writing. She will be unable to simply post it through your letterbox, because you have glued it shut. When she knocks your door, answer it.

Step Nine: When she hands you the envelope say the words “Oh, thank God. I was worried I wasn’t going to get this in time before Monday.” The “Confidential” written on the envelope will have made her curious, so she may ask what the envelope contains.

Step Ten:Even if she doesn’t, casually announce that it’s just the script for a new film you’re starring in with Angelina Jolie. While your neighbour is being impressed mention that you’ve just opened a bottle of wine. Ask her if she would like a glass. You won’t need to have a bottle ready. She will automatically decline, because it’s Saturday morning, but it will make you appear artistic, because only creative types drink wine in the morning.

Step Eleven: There’s a 50/50 chance that she will now ask if you know Angelina Jolie. Even if she doesn’t ask this question it is important that you now point her towards the photograph hanging in your hallway, thus causing her to enter your house.

Step Twelve: Whilst she is looking at the photo, open the envelope and say the words “Why have they sent me two?”

Step Thirteen:
After she is done admiring the photograph say the words “Hey, you wouldn’t mind running through a few scenes with me, would you?” She will be reluctant to decline, because she’s already declined your offer of wine and won’t want to seem rude, especially to a man who she now believes to be an associate of a top movie star.

Step Fourteen: Take her into the living room and tell her that you aren’t in many of the early scenes, so you should start with the final act.

Step Fifteen:
After she’s read a few lines, compliment her by saying “You’re very good. Have you done any acting before?” This will put her at ease.

Step Sixteen: Now, if you’ve written your script correctly, you will have included a climax where you and Angelina Jolie’s character kiss. It’s Hollywood writing 101. Upon reading the direction notes of this scene your neighbour will instinctively be reluctant to kiss a man she’s only just met on a Saturday morning.

Step Seventeen: However, before she says the words “We don’t have to kiss, do we?” she will start to think about Angelina Jolie and her lips. All women have the exact same strong feelings about Angelina Jolie, and no matter what they say, it is thinly veiled jealousy. Your neighbour will start to wonder about you kissing Angelina Jolie on Monday. At first she will realise that this is her one opportunity to beat Angelina Jolie by being a better kisser. Then she will imagine the kiss chain from her, to you, to Angelina Jolie, to Brad Pitt. This will seal the deal in her mind.

Step Eighteen: When your neighbour moves her mouth close to your’s, begin to kiss her. Mission accomplished.

Step Nineteen (Optional): If you want to take a risk, you can make your script about a man who kisses his neighbour by doing this exact thing. Your neighbour might appreciate the Charlie Kauffman quality to it. It’s a good way to come clean and rid yourself of the guilt. If she admires your efforts you might enter into a love affair. Sadly this step will only work 60% of the time.

Notes: Women can use this tutorial by simply replacing the photo of Angelina Jolie with Johnny Depp.

Don’t forget to catch our previous post in our Tips For Romance: Top Tips For Romance Part One – How To Tell If A Girl Likes You, Top Tips For Romance Part Two – How To Get A Girl To Like You, Top Tips For Romance Part Three – How To Ask A Girl Out On A Date.