How to become your Mother's favourite child

EmailFacebookTwitterGoogle+Pinterest

It is every child’s dream to be loved by their mother. It creates a sense of joy and wellbeing that cannot be recreated by paying for love with a Professional Mother Surrogate/Escort. It can be quite difficult for a child to gain love from its mother in the early stages, because of the intense pain caused by childbirth. A child will usually be born as a sort of enemy/nemesis to the mother and must use the first few years of life to trick the mother into believing that he or she poses no threat. As long as the child is willing to make its first word something resembling “mama” and doesn’t make the mistake of re-entering the womb and demanding a rebirth, then love should develop quite easily.

In addition to being loved, it is also desirable for a child to become “the favourite”. Being the favourite child has a number of advantages. These include:

  • First dibs on kidneys.
  • Heavily weighted inheritance.
  • The ability to commit crimes against your family without fear of punishment.
  • Potential #1 Son/Daughter mugs, t-shirts, mousemats and other such memorabilia.

HOW TO BECOME THE FAVOURITE

1) BE AN ONLY CHILD: If you are lucky enough to be a firstborn you can use your early years to put your mother off the idea of having any more children. This can be acheived by:

Complaining a lot. Phrases like “This food is very dry.” can grate on the maternal mind. Nobody likes to hear complaints. She will not want to risk giving birth to another complainer.

Demand a lot of material possessions. Physical things can be a great drain on monetary resources. It is unwise to have a second child without the correct financial planning. You might even consider demanding items which are large in size. If the house is filled with large items then there might not be enough physical room for another child. Tip: A room can be made to look smaller by removing mirrors.

Manipulating the reproductive system of the mother. With enough forward planning it is possible to rewire the inner workings of the mother whilst still in the womb. If you adjust a couple of tubes you can set the mother so that any of her future fertilised eggs will be sent straight to the stomach and become digested by the process known as ‘digestion’.

WARNING: Being an only child will automatically make you the favourite child, but there’s also the downside of technically being the least favourite child too. Also, too much attention might lead to a career  in the hollow world of showbusiness.

2) FAIL AT LIFE: Evolution has programmed the mother to want be a mother for as long as possible. It is her innate desire to see her children fail in order to maximise the mothering period. Nothing pleases a mother more than hearing her 35 year old son utter the words “I’m getting a divorce, I’ve lost my job and I need to move back home.” Failing at life can easily be acheived by:

  • Being forgetful of names, places and paying bills.
  • Adopting a system of extensive tardiness.
  • Reading newspapers.
  • Spending a large proportion of your time on Twitter.

3) PLANT FALSE EVIDENCE: The biggest enemy of the non-favourite child is the favourite child. The favourite child can be defeated in a number of ways, the most effective being complete mental destruction. However, this method can take up to fifty years to complete. The quickest way is to simply deposit incriminating documents in the pockets of the favourite child which will later be discovered by the mother during laundry rituals.

  • Parental emancipation forms filled out in the favourite child’s name.
  • A list of the mother’s flaws.
  • A death threat to the mother.

4) PLAY HARD TO GET: If you are fortunate to come from a broken home and have a father who has remarried, then the stepmother is a great tool for emotional manipulation of the biological mother. Playing hard to get typically only works on women, but a mother is a lot like a woman. By constantly praising your stepmother’s quality of character and spurning the advances of your mother’s home cooked meals, you will automatically become more desirable in the eyes of your mother.

5) BUY HER SOME NICE FLOWERS.

EmailFacebookTwitterGoogle+Pinterest

The Different Types Of Mothers

EmailFacebookTwitterGoogle+Pinterest

For many years a mother could fall into one of two categories: 1) A tall mother 2) A short mother. Plans to introduce a third “medium height mother” category in the late 1960s were unsuccessful.

Nowadays, mothers have become increasingly complex and can be divided into a number of classifications.

THE SOCCER MOM

Originating from North America, the soccer mom exists solely to further the cause of the MLS. They struggle to understand the appeal of the more established American sports such as baseball, basketball and football. They have a natural dislike to children, but sacrifice their lives to raising them in the hope of giving birth to the next Pele.

How to spot a soccer mom: The soccer mom can nearly always be found holding a football with a face painted onto it. It was this trait which inspired the character of Wilson in the hit film ‘Castaway’.

Suggested Mother’s Day Gift: Some nice flowers.

THE HEADMISTRESS

Cold, distant, an Orwellian monster. These are just a few of the headmistress’s attributes. She loves her children more than anything, but has no way to express her emotions. She keeps her distance in order to avoid rejection. It is not uncommon for the Headmistress to have a secret room filled with dolls where she can go to stroke their hair and sing nursery rhymes until the early hours of the morning.

How to spot a Headmistress: She will be wearing a t-shirt with the word “Discipline” on it.

Suggested Mother’s Day Gift: A hug. Or some nice flowers.

THE PIE BAKER

The Pie Baker never wanted to be a mother. Every day is a waking nightmare. She looks at her children and her heart feels so empty that it aches. She has but one dream – to become a grandmother. Her own children are simply a means to an end. She spends the first 30 years of motherhood perfecting the art of baking. Once her first grandchild has declared her baked goods to be “delicious”, the Pie Baker’s existence finally becomes validated and she is finally able to open her heart to her own children.

How to spot a Pie Baker: Flour under the fingernails, the scent of vanilla extract on her neck and a hollowed out tooth filled with marzipan.

Suggested Mother’s Day Gift: A grandchild. Or some nice flowers.

STACY’S MOM

Very little is known about Stacy’s mom, only that she has got it going on.

How to spot a Stacy’s Mom: Looks a lot like Rachel Hunter.

Suggested Mother’s Day Gift: Some nice flowers.

THE STEP

These days it is very common for a father to re-marry in the event of his wife’s death or theft. There are seventeen sub-categories of step-mother, but these are perhaps the most common:

a) The Evil

The Evil Step-mother is quite evil. She can often be found mimicking the voices of her step children and making strange faces behind them in photographs. She cannot be trusted.

How to spot the Evil Step-Mum: She will cast no shadow.

Suggested Mother’s Day Gift: Some nice flowers.

b) The Gold Digger

Often very young, the Gold Digger loves precious metals. It is common for men with access to large supplies precious metals to marry a Gold Digger in order to have someone to talk to about them. The Gold Digger is invariably very attractive and can be seen as more of a sexy sister than a mother.

How to spot the Gold Digger: Suspiciously large breasts, carries a metal detector, can often be seen whispering on the phone and frequently encourages her husband to take part in bungee jumps and sky dives.

Suggested Mother’s Day Gift: Gold.

c) The Great Step Mother

Of course, not all step mother’s are either a or b. Indeed, we’re only joking about all they types above and don’t mean to cause any offence! Apologies if we have inadvertently done so in any of the lighthearted classifications above!

Further Reading

Mothers – A Brief History

EmailFacebookTwitterGoogle+Pinterest

Mothers – A Brief History

EmailFacebookTwitterGoogle+Pinterest

Mother. It’s a word we hear nearly every year, but what does it actually mean? The dictionary describes a mother as something which is ‘full of moths’, but that barely scratches the surface of what a mother really is.

For centuries the mother was seen as secondary to the father in almost every way. The fact that there was no word in the English language for mother until 1796 shows how little they were regarded by society. They were simply called Female Fathers and were of the same social standing as a blacksmith.

However, that all changed in the early 19th century, when scientists discovered that it was actually the mother who gave birth to the child. This turned the whole family dynamic on its head. As reward for painful childbirth, women were allowed to become integrated into family life, often feeding the children and sometimes even clothing them.

This came at an ideal time for men – right in the middle of the industrial revolution. The world was fast becoming filled with machines. These machines caused something to awaken deep within the hearts of men. They lost all interest in farming, child raising and love. Why spend time with their families when they could watch a machine produce a hundred yards of linen in an hour? Or run their hands across the cool steel shell of a steam engine? The duties which had always belonged to the father were thrust upon the mother in their entirety, as fathers met in ale houses, comparing the processing speed of their tractors and the storage capacity of their trains.

In time, the machines became smaller and more complex, but man’s love for gadgets never tired. By the 20th century, men had forgotten how to raise children. Their breasts no longer produced milk. All they cared about was creating a machine capable of reaching the Moon. Meanwhile, mothers had conquered the art of raising children. They had perfected in 100 years what men had been doing and failing at for countless millennia. Children now had emotions, they spoke languages, they wore matching socks and their faces were free from dirt.

It was generally agreed that the mothers had done a good job. ‘Mothering’ became the new word for what had previously been known as ‘fathering’. Whilst the word ‘fathering’ came to mean ‘Observing from a distance – With or without the latest in video camera technology’.

In the next chapter we will be looking at the different types of mothers available in the world.

EmailFacebookTwitterGoogle+Pinterest

Mother's Day Around The World

EmailFacebookTwitterGoogle+Pinterest

If you live in England then you know that on a traditional Mothering Sunday you’re expected to turn up and say “Thanks Mum”, perhaps over a roast dinner that you’ve treated her to in the local pub.  Well we were wondering what Mother’s Day means to people across the world, so we’ve done some research to try and find some traditions from across the world.

United States: In America they do things pretty much the same as in the UK but obviously bigger, larger and with greater gusto. This is no bad thing but it wouldn’t really suit us in Britain. They like to be loud in America and all credit to them.

Australia: Like our American friends the Aussies like to celebrate Mother’s Day on the second Sunday of March. It isn’t celebrated as a public holiday and it is traditional to give your mother a Chrysanthemum as this flower is in season during this period ‘down under’, and funnily enough it ends with ‘mum’. Those Australians sure know how to be whacky for their Mums.

Another Australian tradition which is also followed in the United States is the wearing of a carnation.  A coloured flower indicates their mother is living whereas a white flower shows that their mother has passed away, sad.

In Australia it’s not only Mothers who get celebrated but Grandmother’s and anyone who takes an active part in rearing a child. Those lucky people can expect to get breakfast in bed and maybe some flowers.

Czech Republic: After the Berlin wall came down in 1989 the east became more westernised and traditions were embraced such as Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day.  This was officially started in 1993 and has carried on since then although there has been a rise in the popularity of Women’s Day (8th March).  Women’s Day is now becoming just as popular and may exceed Mother’s Day.

France: Unlike any other country (trust the French to be a little different), Mother’s Day is always on the last Sunday of May. There is of course one exception to this rule and this is if the last Sunday falls on the 27th in which case Mother’s Day is then switched to 3rd June.

Another tradition is to bake a cake in the shape of a bouquet of flowers, sweet.

Germany: An interesting fact about Germany’s Mother’s Day is that it started in 1923 to help promote women to have more children.  This was done by the ‘Association of German Florists’, florists have slowly changed the world!

Indonesia: Mother’s Day is held on an odd day in Indonesia as it’s on 22nd December.  In most western countries this would be too close to Christmas but in Indonesia this is not celebrated widely.

Some of the traditions include holding surprise parties and having competitions in cooking or Kebaya wearing. Generally people also allow mothers to have their day off from doing domestic chores, jolly nice of them on Mother’s Day.

Ireland: An interesting fact as to how Mother’s Day was started in Ireland is that it is held on the fourth Sunday in the Christian fasting month of Lent.  An early tradition on this day is that children were given a day off to visit their ‘Mother Church’ and worship the Virgin Mary. They would pick flowers on the way and present them at the church. Nice.

China: Again, carnations are popular at this time of the year in the country with the world’s largest population and so the most sold type of flower. However an organisation called the Chinese Mother’s Festival Promotion Society (catchy name!) asked to replace the gift of carnations with lilies.  In ancient times these were planted by Chinese mothers when children left home.

In China, Mother’s Day was created in 1997 to help poor mothers; however it’s yet to be recognised as a public holiday.

Mexico: Another country where the date of Mother’s day is slightly different to the rest of the world as it’s fixed on the 10th May.  Traditions here include having a special mass organised by the church as Mother’s Day is taken to be more of a religious day than one just to celebrate mothers.  During the day an orchestra will play “Las Mañanitas” and distribute tamales and atole which is a traditional early morning meal to all the local mothers.

Pakistan: Here Mother’s Day is more sombre for those who have lost their mothers and is a time for prayer to pay their respects to the deceased. For those whose mothers are still living they do the usual thing of giving gifts and flowers.

Sweden: Mother´s Day in Sweden is celebrated the last Sunday in May. The reason for the late date is said to be because then everybody could go outside and pick flowers.

EmailFacebookTwitterGoogle+Pinterest