As Nigel Farage once famously said of the EU: "It's a trap!"
Don't be fooled by our devious European cousins and their absurd pledges of "free trade", "peace in our time" and "delicious moules frites".
Instead, tattoo the Union Jack onto your face, attach a sail to the Angel of the North, cut ties with Europe and, on June the 23rd, release the emergency brake to set sail with us into the sunlit uplands of the Atlantic where, powered solely by wishful thinking, we'll refound blessed ALBION and rediscover the majesty of EMPIRE for God, Queen and country!
Obviously, we'll need to pretend to still be friends with Europe so that we can carry on pinching the occasional good things that they somehow manage to produce: their workforce, fine food, culture, democracy, reliable cars, wine, holidays, beaches, trade, Tintin, sunshine, happiness etc.
And what better way to cheer up a humiliated President Juncker than by sending him a bouquet of flowers with a cryptically hidden message? He'll never spot it, the euro ass. Up your junket, Juncker!
Do you want yourself and the rest of humanity to die an agonising, painful, grisly and truly appalling death on the evening of June 23rd? Then vote to leave the EU!
Do you long for the four horsemen of the apocalypse to ride roughshod over this good Earth, spreading war, pestilence, famine and whatever the fourth horseman does...oh, that would be Death. Do you want that? Do you? Do you?! DEATH?! Mark a cross next to Leave!
Do you profoundly dislike the universe and wish it had never come to be? Good news! Vote to leave the EU on June the 23rd and your wish will come true. The universe and the fabric of space time will simply wink out of existence. Including you, you despicable monster.
Or do you want to ascend to a higher plane of existence, to own a magic lamp containing a wish-granting genie, to live in a house made of money, and to have David Cameron as your personal valet? Then vote remain on June 23rd and these and all your other dreams will come true. Guaranteed!
Or would you just be happy sending a lovely bouquet made up of rich blue hyacinths and sunny yellow germinis? You're in luck! Buy this arrangement now and send it to Boris.